Big Pharma, the 627-pound, gold-masked WWE wrestler famous for his signature move, The Sucker Punch, attacked the media today, claiming that he had no wide-ranging deal with the Obama Administration. “Big Pharma does not cheat,” he screamed at a hastily-called press conference. “There is no deal. And if there was a deal, 80 billion dollars is nowhere near the actual bribe.”
Vince McMahon, Chairman of the WWE, clarified Big Pharma’s statement. “The WWE supports any health care plan that guarantees all Americans discounted steroids, female hormones and hair transplants.”
Big Pharma’s next match, at Royal Rumble 2009, will be a steel cage match against Ann Coulter. Until she retired last week, Ms. Coulter was an author. Her novels included Treason, Slander and Godless and an autobiography, Crazy Blonde Twat.
In other news, Kate Gosselin slammed Jon in People Magazine for asking her to marry him, fathering her children and convincing her to get that ridiculous haircut.