The following is the official statement of Harold Camping, multimillionaire and President of Family Radio:

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
‘Cause you don’t love me anymore

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Followers of Mr. Camping are split as to who the statement references. Some say Jesus. Some say Mrs. Camping. And others say it’s about Kevin, Mr. Camping’s long-time personal assistant.

If there isn’t, that Rental Rolls Royce Demolition Derby my friends and I had last night was a very, very bad idea.

Starring Steve Carell, Jon Hamm, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon & Ed Helms

Reality TV star and probable 2012 Republican candidate for President Donald Trump today demanded to see Osama Bin Laden’s death certificate.

“It’s our right as American’s to know exactly how Bin Laden died,” Trump said. “How do we know he didn’t die of old age? Or syphilis like Al Capone and my cousin Morty. And where exactly did he die? I’ve heard from reliable sources that he died in Kenya, not Pakistan.”

Trump continued his rant for twenty minutes while his current wife gamely stood beside him trying, unsuccessfully, to make a recognizable facial expression.

While speaking at Lou-Lou’s Pancake House in Mobile, Alabama, former Half-Term Governor Sarah Palin cautioned President Obama. “Let’s not get those Mission Accomplished signs up too soon, Mister President. Sure, Osama Bin Laden is dead, but Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi and Lisa Murkowski are still alive.”