Nothing expresses eternal love quite like a “motorboat.”

Another classic from one of my favorite sites. File this one under “What were they thinking?”

I know he was a dramatic actor first. The Poseidon Adventure. Night Gallery. Viva Knievel. City on Fire. Prom Night.

But it was his comedic turns after 1980 that I remember most of all. I consider “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun” two of the five funniest movies ever.

Want proof? Here are some classic Leslie Nielsen lines from those two film series:

– – – – –

Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?

Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.

Rumack: I am serious … and don’t call me Shirley.

– – – – –

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?

Rumack: It’s a big building with patients … but that’s not important right now.

– – – – –

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?

Captain Oveur: I can’t tell.

Rumack: You can tell me. I’m a doctor.

Captain Oveur: No, I mean I’m just not sure.

Rumack: Well, can’t you take a guess?

Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.

Rumack: You can’t take a guess for another two hours?

– – – – –

Frank: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.

Jane: Goodyear?

Frank: No, the worst.

– – – – –

Frank: I’d known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her. But she had her music. I think she had her music. She’d hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

– – – – –

Frank: I’m single! I love being single! I haven’t had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!

(Music stops. People stare.)

Frank: I mean, at the time I was dating a lot.

– – – – –

Hapsburg: I don’t recall your name on the guest list.

Frank: That’s okay. Sometimes I go by my maiden name.

– – – – –

Frank: That’s the red light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there?

Ed: Sex, Frank?

Frank: Uh, no, not right now Ed.

After a week of applying Fluorouracil twice a day, my face is getting red and blotchy.

I found this explanation of how it works and what it does on WebMD:

Fluorouracil (5-FU) is an anticancer medication that works by slowing or stopping cell growth. The medication interferes with the ability of abnormal cells to grow on the skin’s top layer.

5-FU is usually applied once or twice daily for several weeks. It works by causing a painful irritation in actinic keratosis or a skin cancer. Successful treatment results in the specific areas of diseased skin becoming inflamed and crusting as the abnormal cells die.

Crusting, huh? Like the road signs say: “Temporary Inconvenience / Permanent Improvement.”

Next weekend, Jon is taking me to LegoLand for my Christmas present. Anyone know where I can rent a Burqa?

Here’s a photo of me taken a couple of weeks ago:

And here’s what WebMD says I’ll look like the last day of treatment:

Looking good for the holidays!

Being of the British persuasion, I’ve always considered myself rather pale. Photographic evidence exists, however, that shows off Tom The Sun God — a fellow more mahogany than ivory. Selective memory allows me to forget the years prior to the discovery of my first basel cell cancer lump on my left hand. After that was cut out, leaving what I told people was a dueling scar, I eschewed the sun and became a pale skin advocate. Unfortunately, as my dermie told me, the damage had already been done.

Over the years I’ve had many basel cell carcinomas burned off or dug out. At one point I wryly commented to friends that I wasn’t going to die … my dermie was going to just cut out pieces of me until there was nothing left.

A few days ago I had my semi-annual dermie visit. This time she told me that instead of burning the precancerous bits off my face with liquid nitrogen, she wanted me to undergo a four-week long, twice-a-day Fluorouracil treatment.

Fluorouracil belongs to a class of medications known as antimetabolites. (I thought an antimetabolite was a character in a “Hellraiser” movie but I guess I was wrong.) It works by blocking the growth of abnormal cells that cause skin growths.

The stuff is apparently very strong. You have to wear gloves when you apply it and soap and water won’t wash it off. Luckily, I use Noxzema.

The side effects include skin irritation, burning, redness, dryness, pain, swelling, tenderness or changes in skin color, eye irritation, trouble sleeping, irritability, abnormal taste in the mouth and temporary hair loss. No, it doesn’t say where the hair loss is likely to occur. Oh, I forgot stomach/abdominal pain, bloody diarrhea, vomiting, fever, chills, persistent sore throat, easy bruising and bleeding, mouth sores, severe dizziness, trouble breathing, rash, and itching/swelling of the face, tongue and throat.

Trust me, it was a hard decision to go ahead with the treatment. I can handle most anything but if I get any more irritable even I won’t be able to stand myself.

I’m on my second day of treatment and so far so good. Will keep you posted.

Saw the movie “Unstoppable” with Denzel Washington last night and I am really bummed out. They advertise the train as, well, unstoppable, so I was expecting extreme carnage.

SPOILER ALERT! But in the end, Denzel and his buds stopped the train. No kidding, they stopped the unstoppable train. I guess they could have called it “Stoppable,” which would have been much more honest but a lot less enticing.

If you want to see the movie because you like Denzel or trains, go ahead! Just don’t expect an unstoppable train!

Thanks to (Not My Son) Brian for sharing this snap of the Twins at play

Thanks to the The Gregory Brothers for putting music to it!