Monthly Archives: May 2010

Late Show Weekly Top Ten Contest: Closer to #1

TOP TEN BP SUMMER FUN TIPS

10. Relax on the greasiest shore since the Jersey Shore – Brad M, Kansas City, MO
9. You can still swim in the Gulf, but it’s BYOW (Bring Your Own Water)George E, Oklahoma City, OK
8. Compete with Kevin Costner in an oil/water separation contest. Winner takes home home the Oscar! – Paul L, Montgomery Village, MD
7. If you light the oil on the water, you can cook the dead seafood floating in it – John D, Malvern, PA
6. Thirsty? Have a 10W-30 margarita! – Tom G, Rancho Mirage, CA
5. Bring several thousand extra towels – Joe F, Scottsdale, AZ
4. Tar ball fight! – Dean G, Edmonton
3. You don’t have to leave the country to visit the Black Sea – Gary H, Chicago, IL
2. Oily T-shirt contest – Mitch C, North Olmsted, OH
1. Don’t go near the water – Bill M, Houston, TX

Sure, it’s only Number 6 but it’s better than my Number 10 position last time. The trek to Number 1 continues!

Godfather Reboot Planned for Pattinson, Stewart, Bono & Cruise

Paramount Pictures today announced a reboot of “The Godfather” franchise. “We’re taking a more youthful approach,” exclaimed Brad Grey, Chairman and CEO. “Al Pacino is really old and I’m pretty sure Marlon Brando and James Caan are dead. Today’s ticket-buyers don’t relate to old people or dead people.”

McG has already been announced as the director, with Robert Pattinson taking over the Al Pacino role, Kristin Stewart in the Diane Keaton role and Chaz Bono in the role previously played by Marlon Brando.

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A new character, an Italian vampire/supermodel named Angelica D’Amour, will be portrayed by Suri Cruise. “While Suri will be digitally aged for the role,” Mr. Grey said, “she will bring her many years of experience being photographed to the table, and that translates to at least a People Magazine cover.”

Supreme Court Upholds Freedom of Speech in Obscenity-Filled Ruling

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Justice Ginsburg wrote that those who dispute her interpretation of the Constitution can “shove a fat one so far up their ass they choke.”

WASHINGTON—In a decisive and vulgar 7-2 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court once again upheld the constitution’s First Amendment this week, calling the freedom of expression among the most “inalienable and important rights that a motherfucker can have.”

“It is the opinion of this court that the right to speak without censorship or fear of intimidation is fundamental to a healthy democracy,” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote for the majority. “Furthermore, the court finds that the right to say whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, is not only a founding tenet, but remains essential to the continued success of this nation.”

Added Ginsburg, “In short, freedom of speech means the freedom of fucking speech, you ignorant cocksuckers.”

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The decision came Monday in response to the case of a Charleston, WV theater troupe that had been sued by city officials for staging a sexually explicit play with public funds. Reversing the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the theater, an outcome free-speech advocates are calling a victory and Justice Ginsburg called “a bitch-slap in the face of all those uptight limp-dicks.”

The ruling in City of Charleston v. The Kanawha Players marks the first time in 220 years that the nation’s highest court has taken such a fiercely profane stance.

During oral arguments, Charleston’s chief counsel Dan Roy said his clients could restrict any public speech they deemed offensive, an argument quickly dismissed by Justice John Paul Stevens, 90, who turned to his colleagues and made a repeated up-and-down hand motion intended to simulate masturbation.

“I’m beginning to wonder if you really understand what ‘abridging the freedom of speech’ means at all,” said Stevens, a 34-year veteran of the court known for his often-nuanced interpretations of the First Amendment. “I’m also wondering whether you and your fat-faced plaintiffs over there need to have some respect for constitutionally protected expression fucked into your empty hick skulls.”

Justice Clarence Thomas, who voted with the majority, wrote a concurring opinion in which he made little mention of established court precedents but emphasized that he himself had viewed materials “way, way nastier than this stupid play.”

“I don’t know what kind of bullshit passes for jurisprudence down in the 4th Circuit these days,” Thomas wrote. “But those pricks can take their arguments about speech that ‘appeals only to prurient interests’ and go suck a dog’s asshole.”

Added Thomas, “Just suck it. Get in there and seriously suck it.”

Writing in dissent, however, Justice Antonin Scalia contemplated the limits of the constitutional guarantee of free speech.

“The court has an interest in protecting meaningful human communication, which is jeopardized when every other word out of someone’s mouth is ‘F this’ or ‘F that,'” Scalia wrote. “In practice, such an expansion of free expression becomes far too unwieldy and large to accommodate.”

To which Justice Ginsberg immediately replied, “Yeah, that’s what his mom said.”

Conservative constitutional scholars have criticized the Supreme Court’s decision, calling it not only a license to provoke, but also an act of provocation in itself, one that saw several justices repeatedly refer to the plaintiffs as “fuckwits,” “asshats,” and “cumsacks” before informing them that with their appeals exhausted, their only remaining legal recourse would be to “piss up a rope or take two fists in the mommy slot.”

More than 18 months after the suit was first brought against the theater group, defense lawyers said the road to the Supreme Court was “hard as shit,” but well worth it.

“This is a historic victory for free speech, and I wouldn’t be surprised if, a hundred years from now, the hallowed walls of this court bear an inscription taken from the eloquent decision handed down today,” lead defense attorney Carl Huddleston said. “Particularly the phrase ‘That which erodes human rights serves to erode humanity, fuckface.'”

Many thanks to The Onion for creating this. I laughed till I  cried.