Monthly Archives: August 2009

Tom, Baker

No, I’m not referring to British actor Tom Baker, best known as the fourth incarnation of The Doctor. It’s me and I’m in baking mode.

A few days ago I made some sourdough starter. And fed it. And fed it. And fed it. Then I made a loaf of sourdough bread. It wasn’t great. It took me five attempts before I got a shining and sour loaf that looked good and tasted great.

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That challenge over, I graduated to English Muffins. This time, the first batch turned out perfectly.

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Now I’m wondering what to bake next. Any suggestions?

Big Pharma Strikes Back

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Big Pharma, the 627-pound, gold-masked WWE wrestler famous for his signature move, The Sucker Punch, attacked the media today, claiming that he had no wide-ranging deal with the Obama Administration. “Big Pharma does not cheat,” he screamed at a hastily-called press conference. “There is no deal. And if there was a deal, 80 billion dollars is nowhere near the actual bribe.”

Vince McMahon, Chairman of the WWE, clarified Big Pharma’s statement. “The WWE supports any health care plan that guarantees all Americans discounted steroids, female hormones and hair transplants.”

Big Pharma’s next match, at Royal Rumble 2009, will be a steel cage match against Ann Coulter. Until she retired last week, Ms. Coulter was an author. Her novels included Treason, Slander and Godless and an autobiography, Crazy Blonde Twat.

In other news, Kate Gosselin slammed Jon in People Magazine for asking her to marry him, fathering her children and convincing her to get that ridiculous haircut.

Cheney Applies to Run ObamaCare Death Panel

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Fox News has just reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney has applied for a job with the Obama Administration.

“I’ve been hearing a lot about Death Panels in regard to the President’s health care plan,” Cheney was quoted as saying. “I’m currently unemployed and I think I could do a darn good job running any government function with the word death in it. After all, Death is my middle name.”

Fred Armistad, Cheney’s counselor at the Washington, D.C. unemployment office, thinks it would be a good fit. “I’ve seen his Kenyan birth certificate,” Armistad noted, “and his middle name really is Death. His only competition is probably former Governor Sarah Palin. If she can shoot a wolf from a helicopter, then some old dude in a wheelchair should be easy pickings.”

Former VP Cheney laughs off the suggestion of competition for this plum job. “If you have any questions about my expertise in this area,” Cheney added, “just ask … oh, wait … they’re all dead. But you can get a reference from that guy I shot in the face.”

In other news, CBS reported today that The Late Show with David Letterman trounced The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien in the important Cranky-Geezers-Over-60 demographic.