A while ago, Donald Trump trashed Jon Stewart for changing his name from Jonathan Leibowitz so it wouldn’t sound so Jewish.
John Oliver, an old friend of Stewart’s, did some digging and discovered that a while ago, Donald Trump’s ancestors changed their name from Drumpf to Trump so it wouldn’t sound so … well, you get the picture.
My name is Tom Greensmith and I do not live in Donald Drumpf’s America.
I live in California, a state that believes in a woman’s right to choose, a fair minimum wage, gender income equality, gay rights and common sense gun control.
We respect all people. We celebrate diversity and believe that rational immigration policies nurture the rich fabric of our civilization.
We believe that man causes climate change and that it is man’s responsibility to prevent pollution.
We happen to have a progressive, Democratic Governor, Senate and House.
This is why we are projected to have a $10 billion budget surplus by June 2018. (The previous governor, a Republican, left office with a $42 billion budget deficit.)
This is why the economy of California is the largest in the United States and possibly the sixth largest economy in the world.
This is why recreational marijuana is as legal as drinking alcohol.
I live in California and I’m so happy to be here.
Subject: Advice for upcoming debates
If Bill Clinton is in the audience, don’t let Melania sit anywhere near him.
Your hands will look bigger the closer you hold them to the camera.
Early in the debate, mention — in a sarcastic way — that if a second amendment patriot is in the audience … now would be a good time. Then duck!
Be sure to call Hillary the “c” word at least once. “C” stands for Communist. (No, it doesn’t.) Yes, it does. (No, it doesn’t.)
Look Hillary up and down and say “If you look up ‘cockblock’ in the dictionary, you’ll find a photo of Hillary.”
If Gretchen Carlson or Meghan Kelly is a moderator, tell them that Roger Ailes is going to send them a dickpic as soon as he can find it under all that fat.
Fart loudly and quickly point to Hillary.
Try not to think about Ivanka in a bikini.
When you can’t think of an answer to a question, make something up. It always works.